Yes, closure may seem like an odd title for my first blog that so many are waiting to read regarding my international travel to S Korea. And I will get to that. But first I wanted to write about something that has been weighing heavily on my mind for the last several months.
May 31, 2008 I moved from Nevada City, CA to San Rafael (Marin), CA. This was a huge move for me. I sold & gave away so much of my ‘stuff’, moving from a quaint little Miner’s Cabin in Nevada City to an even smaller ‘cottage’ in Marin. I moved to Marin for several reasons: to be close to the ocean, to live in a more city-like environment & to be in the heart of the 5 Rhythms dance community where I would focus on getting into the 5 Rhythms dance Teacher Training. Feeling like my life was turning a huge corner & excited about these changes, I dove right into the first 5R workshop that came my way while in Marin: Mirrors. I knew some of the other dancers that were going to be in Mirrors too, so I was really looking forward to it.
So once settled in Marin I set out on finding work. While waiting for the job thing to come through, I danced my heart out. Then August hit & it was time to take on Mirrors. Eighty dancers from around the world, all together for 10 days, 8 or more hours per day in Tiburon. After a couple of days it felt like only this world of Mirrors was my life. There was much dancing, connecting with others & deep reflection, inside & out.
Mirrors wrapped up. Honestly, I was glad. A workshop I was so excited to begin, left me shattered. Purely shattered into a million pieces. I began driving to work the next day into San Rafael, but found myself heading towards Tiburon, the direction of Mirrors. I was in a daze. Once at work, I found it very difficult to integrate back into life after Mirrors. Trying to work out all that happened in those 10 days in Mirrors on my own, proved fruitless. I sought help.
Mirrors ended…I worked 5 days…the very next weekend I had many moons ago already signed up for another dance workshop called Libido. This was only a 2.5 day workshop. I can handle this! I walked in late Friday night to a roomful of people already into their dance. It was hot. I did a quick glance around the floor to see if any of those people that triggered me in Mirrors were here in Libido. No…good. I can dance without the baggage of Mirrors hanging over me. I also saw some dear friends from the Nevada City dance, which warmed me from the inside out. It was going to be a good weekend. And it was a good weekend. Until Sunday. We were practicing Chaos. I was paired with two other women. The exercise was intense. As the music played, it was my turn to ‘be in the middle’. The women were touching me were I could ‘loosen up’ in my dance. It was too much. I yelled ‘STOP’! & ran to the farthest corner I could, crying from a depth I have never cried from before. Eventually the class facilitator came over to see what happened. I tried taking deep breaths, but the tears kept coming. Shattered…just shattered once again…
I slowly began to stop dancing. It was too much for me. To be in a room filled with so much energy was just too much for my fragile self to handle. I tried going back a few times, but it only brought up more ugly ‘truths’. Yes, the dance is a very safe place to be yourself, feel your true feelings, laugh, cry yell…but is still was just too much for me…I gradually stopped dancing all together. No dancing, no socializing…Is this what I moved to Marin for?? No, but I was deep in the throws of my own fears. I felt frozen, fearful of going out into the world for anything.
One of the realizations I came to while in counseling was that I thought I needed to move in with roommates, so that I would force myself to be social. Another realization was that I wanted to migrate to Australia. I felt like the Marin ocean was a tease. Pretty to look at, but untouchable. This Southern CA Girl needs to be able to dip her body & soul into the water! And this was not happening in Marin.
So I worked diligently at pursuing Australia. But I reached a roadblock when the paperwork process for permanent migration seemed to get a bit cumbersome. So I focussed on finding a new place to live with roommates. Initially I was going to move into a friend’s condo. But finding a roommate to share the condo with me was challenging. Finally letting go of this option, I quickly advertised myself online looking for a roommate. Then I checked Craigslist. The first place I called, I looked at I was in! Too easy!
This was mid December 2009. My move out date was December 31,2009. But this is New Year’s Eve! I was determined to be all moved before the 31st because I had New Year’s Eve plans: The NYE dance in Grass Valley (Nevada City), that I never miss! But the month of December slipped away from me. It was New Year’s Eve & had a lot of work to do to move myself out of my old place & into my new one. Dancing with my Nevada City tribe looked less & less likely. As my Nevada City tribe knows, I did not make it to the dance.
So promises broken, to myself & my dear friends & family began to weigh more & more on my mind. Since mid-December 2009, I dropped even further out of contact (by way of Facebook) as well as in person even more than when first moving to Marin. Thinking that moving in with roommates would ‘get me back out in the world’, was the wrong way to go about this task for sure. And I suppose I wasn’t done isolating, because, where there is a will, there is a way, right? Roommates or not, I can find a way to isolate, now I just have an audience! Man!!
Not happy in my living situation & even less enthusiastic about my job, I was frustrated to say the least. I had to lite the fire from within to make a serious change in my life from the ground floor up. This began with finding new employment…Going about it the usual way did not entice me at all. I was looking for a BIG CHANGE…to finally, for the first time in a long time…follow my bliss…my heart…my passion. What is that?? For many years now my passion has been to teach children the 5 Rhythms dance internationally. Big dream? YES! Big passion?? YES! HUGE FEAR? YES! So I sat with this unfulfilled dream for several years now. This dream actually manifested during one of my year-long dance committed workshops called Connections that I did 6 or 7 years ago in Nevada City. At the time I was living in Fair Oaks, California & this revelation came to me as I was driving back home after one of the Connections weekends in Nevada City. But good ol’ fear has held me back all this time from pursing this dream. Me moving to Marin to pursue the 5 Rhythms teacher training was one of my first steps in making this dream come true.
So in the current job search I was in the midst of, I was on a path of pursuing my dream with the key ingredients being music, dance, children.
Then in February I received an email from a company called Footprints Recruiting. I had signed up to receive their email updates about 9 months prior, when I was really looking for a change. I wanted to travel & work on the road. I know it can be done. I have seen so many of my dancing friends work while living in another country. I wanted to do that! So not knowing anything much really about Footprints who wanted to recruit me right away for teaching English overseas, I declined, still fearful of pursuing my dream. But this time, when they emailed in February informing me they were hiring all over South Korea & wanted to know if I was interested, I emailed right back & said: “Sign Me Up!”. It was the right place, time & kind of job for me right now. I had only been in my new place for a month when this opportunity arose. But now I was preparing to take a teaching job in South Korea asap. They had positions that begin from a few days to a few months out. I could go whenever I was ready. I emailed them my resume. A phone interview was scheduled with one of the company’s owners who lives in Australia…hmmm…
I sat outside my counseling appointment on this phone interview. The employer told me he would pass my info over to their recruiting dept & I should be receiving an email soon from a recruiter. I hung up the phone from the interview & rushed into my counseling appointment that I was already late for now because of the interview. I told my counselor of the great news. She was floored because she didn’t even know this opportunity had presented itself to me.
Less than 3 months later I arrived in South Korea to teach English as a Second Language. More on this in another blog.
So I want to get back to the topic of closure.
I want to apologize to my dance community in Nevada City, Sacramento & Marin: for not being there for you as a friend or otherwise in the past 2 years. Not dancing with your beautiful bodies & souls, on & off the dance floor.
I apologize to my family who I have not had as much contact with in the last couple of years either.
I apologize for the unreturned emails to family & friends.
Bailing on my Facebook friends & family since December 2009
Missing out on the 2009 New Year’s Eve Dance in Nevada City
Birthdays that have gone unacknowledged
Leaving for S Korea so quickly that I was not able to say ‘Goodbye’ in person to so many of my friends & family
Saying ‘Thank You’ to everyone at MHA who gave me such a wonderful send off party (& Birthday wishes)
Thank you to all those I have met through Meet-up & wishing we could have had one final ‘gathering’
And to Jamie, a roommate who has become a friend (along with his girlfriend too) who has, and still is, wrapping things up for me in Marin since I so badly underestimated how long it takes to get my life packaged up & out of town.
I hope this blog reaches everyone intended.
I love you all. Here’s to a new chapter in life in my 40th year here.